Robyn, this story is for you.
Its our story.
Love. I've heard the word roll of the tounge of so many people. But what is the word for now? Its thrown around too casually nowadays. No one is certain of true love. . . Or at least. . . I hadn't thought about it this way. . . until now. Until I saw that blonde hair, those bright blue eyes. The same dopey smile which made me feel warm inside. I don't know what happened. But it did. And I'm so glad it did.
I'd been certain for months before that. . . years even, that I would never find anyone I could fall in with. Because my heart had been destroyed so many times, by those pathetic girls. Okay, fine. Not all girls are bad. . . but I don't think of them in that way anymore. Well. . . not until I met Jonas. And then later Toby.
I had always thought of myself as straight. The person who always liked the girls. The fact I had a crush on one from age of 5 until the age of 9 may not have helped me realize my case. But... I suppose, I may never have figured it out on my own. I guess I always would need Raven. I always had these... feelings. Inside of me, locked away in a treasure chest in my heart. I would never access them, or open it up to anyone.
But somehow. Raven had the key to my treasure chest. The key to make me open up. I told her things that I had never told another human being. Things about. . . my past.
When I was 10 years old. I was getting a lot of bullying. From a lot of people. And somehow they kept managing to get away from getting into trouble. Four of them. Girls. Butter wouldn't melt in their mouth. You know the sort? The ones who behave so horribly to the other girls in the playground, and in class would never speak out of turn? Yeah. That was them. Carrie, Holly, Olive and Lola. The four of the "nicest" people you could ever meet.
I guess... maybe it was them who put me off girls...? I can't really put it down to a reason, but of course, every action has a reaction. But these girls took it too far. They took turns taunting me in the playground, whenever I told, the other three would back her up. It was a vicious circle and I thought it may never end.
But there is a way out... there is always that option. I had tried everything. And I mean everything. To get rid of these girls. I told teachers, got my parents to come to school, even removed myself from campus at lunchtime. No one cared about what they were doing.
No one cared about me.
So when I finally took the knife against my own wrist. . . I felt as if I was giving a message to the world. I didn't matter to anybody.
But I mattered to me.